THE FIRST SHELLINGTON WAR OF FRANCE AND THE CRABSACK OF PARIS

Crab People were first discovered by Catholic Monks in the summer months of 1437 A.D (despite having been discovered by the Chinese and Indian communities many centuries earlier). The summer months are a popular molting time for crab people as they shed their shells and grow new ones. Unfortunately for the Catholic Monks who discovered them, molting is a very exhaustive process that consumes a lot of energy and thus the Crab People were very hungry indeed.

Very hungry. So, with no survivors, the Crab People returned to their caves and hovels for another year, at least, this was their plan. Unfortunately, humanity was horrified to discover that an entire hermitage had been consumed by the Crab People and thus demanded recompense in blood, or at least in tasteful duvets.

 Duvets were not provided and the Crab People went to war for the first time with Humanity in the Year of Our Lord 1439 A.D. This War, called the First Shellington War of France, lasted for twenty years before a brutal stalemate was enforced. This was a dark time for the Crab People, whose technology was still comparable to early Bronze Age humanity. Fortunately, their big meaty claws provided adequate weapons on their own, capable of cutting through iron and even steel in some instances.

So most of early crab technology was used in infrastructure, which allowed them to create a robust underground highway system by the end of the war. But with no cars to drive it on and the technology not yet developed, they simply walked the highways. Even without cars, this allowed them to move through all of France and eventually Europe very quickly.

 In the Crabsack of Paris in 1458 A.D. - the battle which crab historians largely credit as ending the First Shellington War of France - Paris was razed to the ground and burned, forcing the armies of France into a rout, from which point the Crab Centurions hunted them down and clawed them to death, very quickly and brutally. Their bodies were consumed, their wives commandeered and their wine stolen. Baguettes were had by all.

Thus ends the account of the First Shellington War of France, the first of two major conflicts in France, which heralded the start of the Crab Age.

(This post was copied from a live broadcast of a Facebook fight)

XOXOXOXOXO

Ian Merman Everett