CREDENTIALS, CRAB PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR GLOBAL WARMING?

Hello, crab readers of this crab blog. It's come to my attention that none of you have demanded my credentials in telling these crab people facts. That just doesn't sit well with me. It makes me very upset. Very upset.

I obtained my masters degree from a homeless man behind the dumpster at Denny's, who assures me it belonged to a very studious, important and busy business woman who now weeps her feelings into Ben and Jerry's Americone Dream flavor, popularized by Stephen Colbert.

This puts me at four degrees of separation from Stephen Colbert, which makes me perfectly qualified to talk about crab people and their effect on our economy, environment, education and some other word starting with the letter "e." I also did three tours of duty into the crab people network of caves beneath Turkey, that duty being kicking a metal can around for ten hours a day. Crab people hate the sound of metal cans being kicked.

In fact, crab people hate the sound of metal in general. It grates on their nerves, makes them all jittery and upset. I've often wondered if it has some religious significance to them, but probably not, considering that they immediately chop any metal they find with their big meaty claws.

Which brings me to my next point, are crab people responsible for global warming? No you stupid idiots, it's us, we drive giant cars that spew out carbon dioxide that add to the greenhouse effect and heat up our earth, while crabs travel by a complicated series of bamboo shoots and ladders that allow them to travel for miles in the span of a few minutes. The average travel speed of a crab person on these bamboo travel mechanisms is around 52 mph, roughly the max driving speed of your mother's Prius.

For our final tip of the day, be sure to keep your windows closed and your fan on. Fan death is real and I want you all to die. Plus closing your window and keeping the room cool will prevent crab people from feeling any desire to enter your house. They find the idea of a very comfortable room unsettling and will move on with their terrible rampage.

XOXOXOXOXO

Ian

P.S. Here are some cool links:

Crab People Twitter

Lone Star Cy-Fair