THE FIRST SHELLINGTON WAR OF FRANCE AND THE CRABSACK OF PARIS

Crab People were first discovered by Catholic Monks in the summer months of 1437 A.D (despite having been discovered by the Chinese and Indian communities many centuries earlier). The summer months are a popular molting time for crab people as they shed their shells and grow new ones. Unfortunately for the Catholic Monks who discovered them, molting is a very exhaustive process that consumes a lot of energy and thus the Crab People were very hungry indeed.

Very hungry. So, with no survivors, the Crab People returned to their caves and hovels for another year, at least, this was their plan. Unfortunately, humanity was horrified to discover that an entire hermitage had been consumed by the Crab People and thus demanded recompense in blood, or at least in tasteful duvets.

 Duvets were not provided and the Crab People went to war for the first time with Humanity in the Year of Our Lord 1439 A.D. This War, called the First Shellington War of France, lasted for twenty years before a brutal stalemate was enforced. This was a dark time for the Crab People, whose technology was still comparable to early Bronze Age humanity. Fortunately, their big meaty claws provided adequate weapons on their own, capable of cutting through iron and even steel in some instances.

So most of early crab technology was used in infrastructure, which allowed them to create a robust underground highway system by the end of the war. But with no cars to drive it on and the technology not yet developed, they simply walked the highways. Even without cars, this allowed them to move through all of France and eventually Europe very quickly.

 In the Crabsack of Paris in 1458 A.D. - the battle which crab historians largely credit as ending the First Shellington War of France - Paris was razed to the ground and burned, forcing the armies of France into a rout, from which point the Crab Centurions hunted them down and clawed them to death, very quickly and brutally. Their bodies were consumed, their wives commandeered and their wine stolen. Baguettes were had by all.

Thus ends the account of the First Shellington War of France, the first of two major conflicts in France, which heralded the start of the Crab Age.

(This post was copied from a live broadcast of a Facebook fight)

XOXOXOXOXO

Ian Merman Everett

CREDENTIALS, CRAB PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR GLOBAL WARMING?

Hello, crab readers of this crab blog. It's come to my attention that none of you have demanded my credentials in telling these crab people facts. That just doesn't sit well with me. It makes me very upset. Very upset.

I obtained my masters degree from a homeless man behind the dumpster at Denny's, who assures me it belonged to a very studious, important and busy business woman who now weeps her feelings into Ben and Jerry's Americone Dream flavor, popularized by Stephen Colbert.

This puts me at four degrees of separation from Stephen Colbert, which makes me perfectly qualified to talk about crab people and their effect on our economy, environment, education and some other word starting with the letter "e." I also did three tours of duty into the crab people network of caves beneath Turkey, that duty being kicking a metal can around for ten hours a day. Crab people hate the sound of metal cans being kicked.

In fact, crab people hate the sound of metal in general. It grates on their nerves, makes them all jittery and upset. I've often wondered if it has some religious significance to them, but probably not, considering that they immediately chop any metal they find with their big meaty claws.

Which brings me to my next point, are crab people responsible for global warming? No you stupid idiots, it's us, we drive giant cars that spew out carbon dioxide that add to the greenhouse effect and heat up our earth, while crabs travel by a complicated series of bamboo shoots and ladders that allow them to travel for miles in the span of a few minutes. The average travel speed of a crab person on these bamboo travel mechanisms is around 52 mph, roughly the max driving speed of your mother's Prius.

For our final tip of the day, be sure to keep your windows closed and your fan on. Fan death is real and I want you all to die. Plus closing your window and keeping the room cool will prevent crab people from feeling any desire to enter your house. They find the idea of a very comfortable room unsettling and will move on with their terrible rampage.

XOXOXOXOXO

Ian

P.S. Here are some cool links:

Crab People Twitter

Lone Star Cy-Fair

An Introduction

In acedemia, one must endeavor to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth with his hand placed on the Bible, the Quran, Poor Richard's Almanac, a print out of the Space Jam website and George Bush Sr.'s night time diary. All of this is, of course, held in the hands of a frumpy old librarian woman, swearing you into office.

My name is Ian Everett and I am going to guide you into a world of imagiwonder, synergy and crab people. I want you to know the joys of management solutions, crab people, and various alcoholic beverages, and crab people. Crab people, this blog is about crab people.

So I'm just going to make up a bunch of stories about Crab People while possibly tipsy, and maybe even draw pictures to go with it, pass it off as real history and science because everyone believes everything they read on the internet as long as you make the title pop, and profit on t-shirt sales.

Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Ian Everett